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PAGE CONTENTS:
Dogs and Cats Are Better Than Kids
Dog Rules
A Dog's Rules for Christmas
Things Dogs Must Remember
Letters To God From Dogs
Dogs And Cats
Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids
because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally
come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8.
Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And
finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
DOG RULES
1. The dog is not allowed in the house!
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the
house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog
can get on the OLD furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with
the humans on the bed.
6. All right, the dog is allowed on the bed, but ONLY by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on
the bed whenever he wants, but NOT under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation ONLY.
9.
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
A Dog's Rules for Christmas
1. Be especially
patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long
comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts
are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of
seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place
and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there
are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting
or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in
the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These
parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses
and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers
sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you
visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's
houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate
children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your
fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!
THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER:
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our
stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will scootch my bottom
along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater
out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting
on the toilet.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after
they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw
up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick
my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then
redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by
sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not
chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will
not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each
time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
The sofa is not
a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.
I
will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not spend
more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not take
off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.
LETTERS TO GOD
FROM DOGS
* Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are
their priorities?
* Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
* Dear
God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit,
but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot
have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
* Dear God, Is it true that
in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
*Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to
get in?
* Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a
long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
* Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there
are, will I have to apologize?
* Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless
mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
* Dear God, I've
always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give
me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.
* Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental
rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense
of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does Petsmart sell lie detectors?
(From Pets' letters to God, Mark Bricklin
[translator]}
DOGS AND CATS
* Buy a dog a toy and it
will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
* Although cats are rather
delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
* Dogs
and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
* Dogs have
owners. Cats have staff.
* Dogs shed, cats shred.
* I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult?
* No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
* Outside of a dog, a book
is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
* I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks
I am.
* Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
* People that hate cats will
come back as dogs in their next life.
* We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their
point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
* Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs
should relax and get used to the idea.
* When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER PETS THAN CATS
- Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word
you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
- Cats look silly on a leash.
- When you come home from work, your dog
will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
- Dogs will
give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day
you were born.
- A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you
remember where the can opener is.
- Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
-
When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they
won't go at all.
- Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and
get back to you.
- Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small
rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
- Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats
will quietly sneak out the back door.
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