|
RELATED LINKS:
Glyme's formula for success:
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Page Contents:
EVERYTHING I KNOW I LEARNED IN CORPORATE AMERICA
Office Dictionary
Tips on Building a Resume
What Not to Put on Your Resume'
Resume' Blunders
Bizarre Work Excuses
EVERYTHING I KNOW I LEARNED IN CORPORATE AMERICA
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which
way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. The facts,
although interesting, are irrelevant.
7. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
8.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
9. Things are more like they are today than they
ever were before.
10. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
11. Everything should be made
as simple as possible, but no simpler.
12. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
13. I have seen
the truth and it makes no sense.
14. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
And
Finally, Some Good Business Advice You'll Never Receive:
15. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame.
16. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
17. Every time you make ends meet, they
move the ends.
18. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19. The trouble with
life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
OFFICE DICTIONARY:
"APPLY
IN PERSON": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the
job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF
EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking
into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll
have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates,
you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION":
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE":
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK": I blame others
for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE": I give lots of unsolicited
personal advice.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL": I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE": I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO": I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED": The minute
I find a better job, I'm outta here.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY": We remain competitive
by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no
time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough
to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six
months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night
and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can
boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no
quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED": Female applicants must be
childless (and remain that way).
Tips On Building A Resume
Here's some tongue-in-cheek advice to build the resume that will get you hired!
THE NAME:
Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that
might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE
ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as
nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip
it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle
of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number
which might wake up a recruiter or two.
THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You
know what I mean:"Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation
that is doing neat things for the environment."
A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a
job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some
horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position,
only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office
position."
EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school and
play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious
school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration,
Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer
Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."
EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've
invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system... Everybody's done that stuff.
I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little
light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try
a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you
do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at FoodGiant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code
inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too
much Nintendo."
THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-close is that?
Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember,
like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."
[A little humor from GetAmused.com]
What not to put on your resume...
REASONS
FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
--Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work
by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
as cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like
my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
--While I am open
to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate
the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets
of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typing Award.
SPECIAL
REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not
know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I
suppose I should try stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
--Minor allergies to house cats
and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
(SMALL
TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING):
Education:
College, August 1880-May 1984.
Work Experience:
--Dealing with customers' conflicts
that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental
in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Resume blunders:
(From actual
resumes as reported by Fortune magazine)
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
"I
have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Reason
for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Failed
bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet,
so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"I have
an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"As
indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons
so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Marital status: often. Children:
various."
"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could
not work under those conditions."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
"References: None. I've left a path
of destruction behind me."
Bizarre Work Excuses
"I forgot what day it was. I thought it was the weekend."
"My wife and son took both cars, and when I went outside, there was nothing in the driveway."
"I am stuck
in the blood-pressure machine down at the Wal-Mart."
"I'm sorry I didn't make it! My car broke down; I ran out of
gas; my mother died; I had to go to the doctor; there was an earthquake. It wasn't my fault!"
"My wife makes more
money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son."
"My roommate locked me in the bathroom."
"I
hit a mountain lion on the way to work."
"The jury I was on was sequestered, and we weren't allowed to leave or contact
the outside world."
"The dog was asleep behind the car, so I couldn't back out of the driveway."
"Sorry. I
thought I had already put in my 2 weeks' notice."
Copyright 2007 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
|
