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PAGE CONTENTS:
Employee Performance Evaluation
Great Lines from Eemployment Job Evaluations
Staff Descriptions
20 Best Excuses For Calling In Sick From Work
20 Sayings We Would Like to See On Those Office Inspirational Posters
EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
Employee
Name _______________
Date of Review __________________
KNOWLEDGE:
1.____ The son of
a bitch really knows his shit
2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous
3.____ Only half a brain but is as dangerous
as plutonium
4.____ Bloody brain damaged. The swizzle stick in his coffee cup has higher I.Q.
ACCURACY:
1.____ Does excellent work is; not preoccupied
with women (Most likely gay)
2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass
3.____ Has to take his shoes
off to count higher than ten (Thank God we never need to count past 20)
4.____ Couldn't count his balls and get the same
number twice
ATTITUDE:
1.____
Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)
2.____ Brown noser in poor standing
3.____ Often pisses off co-workers;
thinks it's his job
4.____ Doesn't give a shit, never did, never will. Is recommended for senior management.
RELIABILITY:
1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker
2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time
3.____ Can rely on him
to be the first one out the bloody door
4.____ Totally bloody worthless as tits on a bull.
APPEARANCE:
1.____ Extremely neat; even combs
his pubic hair
2.____ Looks great at evaluation time
3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch
4.____ Flies
prefer him to panther dung.
PERFORMANCE:
1.____ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it for him
2.____ Does Ok around evaluation time
3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes
4.____ Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma or in the
senate.
LEADERSHIP:
1.____
Carries chain saw and gets good results
2.____ Occasionally gets told to get bent
3.____ Mother Theresa would tell
him to get bent
4.____ Couldn't lead a pack of horny Marines in Las Vegas with $10,000 and a gross of viagra to the Chicken
Ranch
I understand I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowledge I
am as fucked up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiencies.
EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE ________________________________________
MANAGER SIGNATURE _________________________________________
GREAT LINES FROM EMPLOYEE
JOB EVALUATIONS
1. I would not allow this employee
to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when
under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change
whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has
delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee
is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature
IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse
than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural
deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his
brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing,
but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light
bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him,
you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
STAFF DESCRIPTIONS
Outgoing Personality..........Always
going out of the office
Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee..............................Not
too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified......Made no major blunders yet
Work is First Priority................Too
ugly to get a date
Active Socially.................................Drinks a lot
Family is Active Socially.................Spouse
drinks, too
Independent Worker.............Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking......................Offers
plausible excuses
Careful Thinker........................Won't make a decision
Aggressive....................................Obnoxious
Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs......Gets someone else to do it
Expresses
Themselves Well.....................Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail..................A nit picker
Has
Leadership Qualities.........Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment...........................Lucky
Keen
Sense of Humor...............Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded...................................Back Stabber
Loyal..........................Can't
get a job anywhere else
20 Best Excuses For Calling In Sick From Work
I was sprayed by a skunk.
I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
I couldn't find my shoes.
I hurt myself bowling.
I was spit on by a venomous snake.
I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
A hitman was looking for me.
My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
I eloped.
My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.
My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.
I forgot what day of the week it was.
Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
A tree fell on my car.
My monkey died.
20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE
TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...
they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the
job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the
face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try
management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having
to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate
the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there,
retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee
break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach
Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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