These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, of what people actually said in court... word for word. They were recorded and now published by court reporters, who
had to keep a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No,
I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every
year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A:
Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight
or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And
these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And
by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height
and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.
Hilarious response to attorney question:
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then
it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A:
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A:
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
REAL LIFE ANSWERS TO A TRAFFIC VIOLATION EXAM
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same
time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be
too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A:
Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry
loaded weapons.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A:
What for? He can't see my license plate.
Top Ten accident excuses used by drivers:
10. My truck was legally parked as it backed into another
vehicle.
9. I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another
direction.
8. Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided
with a
tree I don't have.
7. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to
swerve
out of its path when it hit me.
6. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone
pole.
5. The guy was all over he road. I had to swerve a number of
times
before I hit him.
4. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and
vanished.
3. I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell
asleep and
had an accident.
2. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go--so I ran
over
him.
And the #1 excuse is:
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced
at my Mother-
in-law, and headed over the embankment.
TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO COPS
1.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doing
about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good Job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had
to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are
you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us
does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me
they are.
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
O'Reilly's
law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's law: Everybody lies,
but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Denniston's law: Virtue is its
own punishment.
Gold's law: If the shoe fits,
its ugly.
Conway's law: In any organization,
there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finster's law: A closed mouth
gathers no feet.
Lynch's law: When the going
gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muir's law: When we try to separate
anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Mason's first law of synergism:
The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlon's razor: Never attribute
to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Green's law of debate: Anything
is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Stewart's law of retroaction:
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Oliver's law of location: No
matter where you go, there you are.
Harrison's postulate: For every
action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
