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Hi there...this is me... Percy
Higginbottom. Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I almost made it through 1st grade, but dropped
out when I turned 17.
This is my brother Hank. He is in jail right now. When he gets
out he is not allowed to be around barnyard animals or small appliances.
Cousin MitchBob is a well-known preacher in our town. Sometimes
he forgets to put on his pants. He often argues with himself, and loses the argument. He and his wife
were happy for 20 years. . . . and then they met.
Uncle
Clement is another one of my mom's boyfriends. He has an infection that makes him fart a lot. I think his farts caused my
dog "Bob" to die. He denies he's my dad's older brother. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
This is Nathan. He is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Nathan
is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth. One time he got married just so he would have
a date on New Year's Eve.
My uncle Billybob is still having problems. He doesn't
know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Vietnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store. Sometimes
he drinks it.
Aunt Phoebe is my Uncle Luther's wife and first cousin.
Their combined IQ is lower than their dog's. My mom says they shouldn't be allowed to procreate - whatever that
means. I think it means "the engine's runnin', but ain't nobody drivin'."
This is my cousin Bubba. He crashes his motorcycle a lot, and
has to wear a helmut. He is unable to walk and chew gum at the same time. He has an intellect rivaled only
by garden tools.
My Aunt Betsy ain't as smart as she looks. The light's
on, but ain't no one home. Smarts ain't everything, though, 'cause she is so beautiful and sexy. She
is HOT! I want her to have my babies.
This is my main girlfriend, Earlene. Ain't she 'bout the purtiest
thing ya ever seen? She has more hair on her chest than I do, but she don't take off her shirt unless it gets real hot.
She had a real nice moustache once. She's a cup and saucer short of a full set.
This is another of my girlfriends. Her name is Veronica Too.
Yes, her last name is Too. She's an Ace of Spades short of a full deck. She idolizes Lorena Bobbitt, so I try not to
upset her. If I do upset her, I keep my pants on.
This here sweet young cutie is my latest girlfriend, and first cousin,
Fannie MaeBob. Actually, she might be my aunt, I ain't sure. Ain't she 'bout the purtiest, secksiest little thang
ya ever did see? Don't ya'll worry none. I ain't robbin' no cradle, 'cause she's older than she looks. (I
think.)
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This is my twin brother Homer. We have different fathers.
I don't know how that happened. He's not as smart as me, but he made it through first grade & didn't cheat!
We are proud of my older brother Buck. He is 27. He wants to
be a Doctor and can write his own name. On a good day, he can count to 10. Has the IQ of a doorknob.
My mom says she is almost positive this is my dad. He lives
in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are going to teach my son how to play baseball.
This was my dog "Bob". He died after my uncle Clement let one rip
and he was overcome by the fumes. He used to like my leg a lot. I mean Bob, not my uncle Clement.
This is my best friend Barney. He ain't too smart, but his ma
and sister always look out for me. They're always checking to see if I'm wearing clean underwear. Sometimes they check 5 or
6 times a day. I kinda like it that they look out for my welfare. Sometimes I fool 'em and don't wear underwear.
Clyde is another of my mom's boyfriends. He is probably the
smartest one of the lot. He can spell cow as long as you give him the 'c' amd 'w', and maybe a couple of guesses. He
has some very impressive family jewels, but he doesn't remember where they are.
| My Good Buddy Arthur |
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| AKA "Uncle Zeke" |
This is my good buddy, Arthur, AKA "Uncle Zeke". My good buddy,
Arthur taught me everthin' I know about wimmin. When we go out bird-doggin' chicks, they are attracted to his aromatic
presence. He is such a stud! He is a hygiene fanatic. He showers every 98 days, whether he needs it
or not. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
This is my 3rd cousin Eddie. Eddie works in a dog
collar factory in the city. He works 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. Every electric dog collar is tested on Irving before
they are shipped to the store. It's the most prestigious job he's ever had. His elevator don't go all the way to
the top.
Jethro is my 1st cousin. He used to date my older sister, Beulah
Mae. One of her kids looks like him, only not as handsome. He bit the mailman once and gave him rabies.
These here sophisticated-lookin' dudes are my cousins, Daryl,
Darrell, Derel and Darryl Kadiddlehopper. Together, they have the combined IQ of a bag of hammers, which is why
they're all insurance salesmen. At family barbecues, they shure do know how to cook roadkill. Gates are down,
the lights are flashing, but the train is not coming.
My cousin Irving went to New York this summer. A piece
of the Statue Of Liberty fell off and hit him in the head. Irving now has the IQ of a tomato plant, but he's smarter
than he was before.
This here pikshure is Cousin Mitchbob and Cousin Jeffbob. These two genuises
don't know enough to come in out of the rain, but at least they know it IS rainin'. Why does
one have his arm around the other? Not that there is nothin' wrong with one man havin' his arm around the other man,
but it DO seem awful peculiar, do it not?
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This here pikshure is me & homer on our 20th birthday. Ain't we a
couple a good lookin' hillbilly boys? We still bathe twice a month and and believe in the American way: fighting
for truth, justice and the pursuit of loose wimmin.
This is my mom. She is seksy and real purty. She has lots of
boyfriends. One of them has a job. She refuses to admit she's older than me. As smart as thread.
This is my older sister, Beaulah Mae. She has 15 kids and they
all look weird. One looks like me, but I don't know why. I ain't done nothin'. My memory ain't so good
sometimes.
These here dawgs are my dawg Bob's offspring. They ain't so smart and
they ain't so good lookin', but they's good huntin' dawgs. They like playin' fetch with my grandpa's prosthetic leg.
Their names (L to R} are Larry, Fred and Bob, Jr.
Cousin PeterBob likes to pretend he's Irish. He's really Mexican,
but speaks with a French accent. He's the only one in the family the dog is afraid of.
This here is my cousin Enrique. He likes to play with balls.
When he was a kid, his mama never let him play with his balls, but now he plays with them whenever he wants. He doesn't
have many friends because he doesn't want anyone else playing with his balls.
My
half brother JimBob and his wife, BettyBob. She is purty, I think. They raise skunks in their back yard. They ain't
allowed to have children. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
This here happy couple is Cousin Robertbob and his blushing, new bride, Robertabob.
There might have been just a bit too much inbreeding in this family. These two was made for each other, and it shows.
That ain't necessarily a good thing. They will not be allowed to breed.....oops, too late!
Walt is one of my mom's boyfriends. He grows pickles on his
small farm. He likes chasing mom through his pickle patch wearing her underwear around his head. He's very handsome,
but he's one sick puppy.
This is my sister's current boyfriend Bernard. He always looks
like he has gas. He blames the dog whenever he lets one rip. The dog gets upset whenever Bernard eats his food.
This here is my cousin, Harley. He hates kids, old people and puppies. He
might run for mayor. He wants to ban wheelchairs from the city. With a little luck, he could be a bus driver or
a garbage man, someday. If he were any less intelligent, he would have to be watered twice a week.
This is my part time girlfriend, Joon. She is my girlfriend on
paydays and certain holidays. One time, she didn't speak to me for 3 weeks because she caught me in an unnatural
act with one of her sheep. (She caught us watching an "I Love Lucy" marathon together.) Her sewing machine is
out of thread.
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