BARTLET: Where's Toby sitting?
LEO: With CJ, Sam, and Josh.
BARTLET: Now that's the fun table.

C.J.: "Leo, your food's getting cold. Want me to bring it over?"
Josh: "Isn't my food getting cold, too?"
C.J.: "We ate your food."Cochran: I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
Charlie: Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President of the United States, so that means my supervisor's a little busy trying to find a back door to shove you out of.

So, how do you feel there big guy? - Sam
Like I just got screwed with my pants on - Toby

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. - unknown

You think the United States is under attack from 1200 Cubans in rowboats? - Toby

Toby: "Not because I'm right and you're wrong -- although I am and you are ..."

Charlie: "Sir, I need you to dig in now. It wasn't a nightmare -- you really are the President."

POTUS: We don't live in a democracy; we live in a republic.

Bartlet: I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other god before me. Boy, those were the days, huh?

Josh: "I think that if big chunks of the ceiling are gonna fall on anyone...it should be you."

Josh: "Well, prudent or not, once the scythe comes out I'm pretty sure I'm gonna haul ass."

Josh: "Just the law of large numbers says we've gotta win one one of these days, right? Then let's make it a good one."

Josh: "Defending virtue is hungry work."

Lori: "You're the good guys. You should act like it."

Excuse me, Toby, I was just heading out to lunch and I'm a little short. You wouldn't happen to have $125,000 I could borrow, would you? ~CJ

POTUS: Maybe you're mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the ignorant tight-ass club, but in this building, when the president stands, nobody sits.

POTUS: So, tell me what the problem is Toby.
Sam: I'm Sam sir.
POTUS: Sam, of course you are.

POTUS: I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do. (Pauses) Was I just saying something?

Josh - "You should be nice to me. I could be dead right now."
Donna - "I don't have that kind of luck."

"We've got seperation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill!" - Leo

Sam: I acidentally slept with a call girl.
Toby: Acidentally? What, did you trip over something?

Josh: Victory is mine, victory is mine, great day in the morning people, victory is mine. Donna, bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.

Mandy: You guys are idiots, you know that?
CJ: You know, in our defense, we actually did know that.

Ainsley: I get sick when I drink too much.
Leo: I get drunk when I drink too much.

"Keep your pants on, Joshua, I'm coming!" - Donna
(Silly girl, doesn't she need his pants *off* for that to happen? Hee hee hee)

'A man's walking down the street. There's a hole, and he falls in. Steep sides, and he can't get out. A doctor walks by. The man says, "Hey, doctor, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down, and walks on. A preist walks by. The man calls, "Father, I'm in this hole, can you help me?" The preist writes a preayer, throws it down, and moves on. Then his friend walks by. The man calls, "Hey, Joe, it's me, can you help me?" His freind jumps down in the hole with him. The man says, "What're you, stupid? Now we're both down here!" His friend says, "Yeah, but I've been here before, and I know the way out."' --Leo McGarry

POTUS: "Charlie, could I please have a couple of asprin or a weapon of some kind to kill people with?"

Leo: "Can you keep your people in line?"
Josh: "Well, there's been no evidence of it so far!"

"So there it hangs, like a gym sock on a shower rod," - Bernard

POTUS: you're what my mother calls a pain in the ass.
Toby: well, that's what my mother calls it too, sir

Ken Cochran: I think it would be appropriate at this time to make a confession, Mr. President. I never voted for you.    Bartlet: Well thanks for trying, but here I am anyway.

"Governor, if you don't lose this election, it isn't going to be because you didn't try hard enough." - Josh

SAM: They’re our client. They don’t lose legal protection because they make a lot of money.
JOSH: I can’t believe no one ever wrote a folk song about that.

Sam: "Have you ever tried to overthrow the government?"
Charlie: "No, sir."
Sam: "What the hell's been stopping you?"

"I'd like to be clear. I could give a damn." - Toby

POTUS: Listen, have I got any of the names right so far?
Charlie: No, sir, but you came pretty damn close to a couple of them.

Sam: You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him.
POTUS: To what?
Sam: Ambassador to Paraguay.
POTUS: And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay.
Sam: You make him ambassador to Bulgaria.
POTUS: Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home.

Toby: "Ordinarily we get help from inside the Syrian Intelligence."
Bartlet: "So what's the problem?"
Toby: "We just blew up the Syrian Intelligence."
Bartlet: "Oh, for crying out loud! Will somebody get on the phone to CNN and find out if we hit anything!"

Sam: Do you really think it’s a good idea to invite people to dinner and then tell them exactly what they’re doing wrong with their lives?
Toby: Absolutely, otherwise it’s just a waste of food.

Leo: The presidents personal aide, they're looking at a kid. Do you have any problem with a young black man waiting on the president?
Fitzwallace: Im an old black man and I wait on the president.
Leo: The kids gotta carry his bags-
Fitzwallace: You gonna pay him a decent wage?
Leo: Yeah.
Fitzwallace: You gonna treat him with respect in the workplace?
Leo: Yeah.
Fitzwallace: Then why the hell should I care?
Leo: Thats what I thought.
Fitzwallace: I've got some real honest to God battles to fight Leo. I dont have time for the cosmetic ones.

Josh: I can drink with the best with them.
Donna: You can’t drink with any of them.

Leo: Toby, the Postmaster General wants your help.
Toby: Tell him he can wait in a line halfway around the block while two of my twenty teller windows are open.

Leo: "Think of the whales."
POTUS: "Do they vote?"

LEO: "Excuse me. Am I interrupting something important?"
JOSH: "I can't even begin to tell you how you're not."

The President has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to run these meetings, so it's entirely possible that by week's end we will have alienated Christians, China, and our own government."- Toby(?)

Toby to Josh, while he and Sam are trying to find the police station in Conneticutt: "We've been navigating by the North Star, which turned out to be the Delta Shuttle from LaGuardia"

Josh: "You know, can I say this? Why don't we just give the 60 billion dollars to North Korea in exchange not bombing us?"
POTUS: "You know, it's almost hard to believe that you're not on the National Security Council."
Josh: "I know. I feel like they're missing an important voice."

ABBEY: "You've got a big head and a good heart and an ego the size of Montana."

POTUS: We agree on nothing, Max.
Lobell: Yes, sir.
POTUS: Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes. You name it, we disagree.
Lobell: You know why?
POTUS: 'Cause I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead, communist.
Lobell: Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck, son of a bitch.
POTUS: Yes, you are.
Lobell: We agree on that.
POTUS: We also agree on campaign finance.
Lobell: Yes, sir.
POTUS: So, Max, let's work together on campaign finance

Toby: This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, you know that? We do fine by ourselves.

Daisy: You're a good man, Josh!
Josh: Yes, I really am quite something.

Toby: How the hell did I get into trouble?
Josh: Today? All you had to do was get out of bed.

Toby: There is no law... There is no decency...
Josh: He's just getting that now.

Mandy: Someone gave you a year's supply of fruit?
Josh: Yes.
Mandy: Why?
Josh: There are people who like me.
Mandy: Why?

Sam: So how do you feel there, big guy?
Toby: Like I just got screwed with my pants on.

Bartlet: Mrs. Landingham, are you drunk?
Mrs. Landingham: No sir-- now why would I --
Bartlet: I just like asking.

Josh: Leo, Knute Rockne. Sometimes I get 'em mixed up.

CJ: You told our Boss's daughter you slept with a call girl?
Sam: I didn't know she was Leo's daughter at the time, I thought she was a school teacher who came in with her class.
Josh: So you thought you were telling a complete stranger you slept with a call girl?

Mandy: It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes.
Josh: Yes, but you shouldn't take it personally. It bugs me when the President listens to anyone who isn't me.

Josh: I look good tonight, don't I?
Mandy: Yes.
Josh: You look good too, but I look even better.

Sam: (To Josh) We look good, don't we?
Mandy: Do you guys want to be alone?

C.J.: They were talking about National Parks until two in the morning?
Mrs. Landingham: I'd imagine the President was doing the lion's share of the talking.

Mandy: Are you listening to me?
Toby: Yes.
Mandy: What was the last thing I said?
Toby: The last thing you said was "Are you listening to me?"

Mandy: You guys are idiots. Did you know that?
C.J.: In our own defense, we actally do know that.

Josh: (to Toby and Sam) The two of you need to put your heads down on your desks.

Josh: Where are you going?
Bartlet: A place called Rare Books. You know what they sell?
Josh: Fishing tackle?
Bartlet: Funny boy.

Josh: We meant well.
Leo: Is that supposed to mean something to me?
Josh: No.
Leo: It does.

Mrs. Landingham: How are you, Josh?
Josh: I've been subpoenaed.
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?

John: Allow me to present myself. Lord John Marbury. I was summoned by your President.
Leo: Yes, we've met. Ten or twelve times. I'm Leo McGarry.
John: Oh. I thought you were the butler.

Leo: He thinks I'm the butler.
Bartlet: For the first couple of weeks so did I.

Bartlet: Say, listen. My hesitation about you going out with Zoey before, you know, it's not 'cause you're black.
Charlie: I didn't think it was.
Bartlet: It's not.
Charlie: I thought it was 'cause I'm a guy.
Bartlet: It is.

Bartlet: We meant "stronger" here, right?
Sam: What does it say?
Bartlet: "I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago"?
Sam: That's a typo.
Bartlet: Could go either way.

Father Cavanaugh: Did you pray?
Bartlet: I did, Tom. I know it's hard to believe, but I prayed for wisdom.
Father Cavanaugh: And none came?
Bartlet: It never has. And I'm a little pissed off about that.

C.J.: I had root canal!
Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time. I was just amusing myself.
C.J.: I can suggest some other things you can do with yourself.

Bartlet: But try to find out who those friends of my wife's are in the wire piece, then take them out back and have them shot. Can I do that?
Leo: Yeah.
Bartlet: Yeah, Leo says I can do that. It's going to be Phyllis, who has never liked me, it's going to be Susan who thinks I'm xenophobic because I don't like Mexican food. These are my wife's friends. Could be our old next-door neighbors, Herb and Marjorie Douglas. They're still angry at me because I accidentally ran them over with my car.

Leo: Sometimes I don't even know what you're talking about.
Bartlet: Sometimes I'm just making it up.

Toby: You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing.
Congressman: Yeah.
Toby: What kind of car do you drive?
Congressman: Toyota.
Toby: Then shut up.
Josh: What Toby meant to say is that we don't get to see you guys often and it's a crying shame.

Josh: This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass.
Toby: I've cultivated that reputation.

(Discussing book about life 100 years ago)
Donna: Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses' were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm of the foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into a woman's drinking water.
Josh: Why would anyone want to diminish a woman's sexual desire?

Mallory: Don't play dumb with me.
Sam: No, honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time I'm playing smart.

POTUS is reading "Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation" by George Washington)
Bartlet: "When you sit down, keep your feet firm and even without putting one on the other or crossing them. Put not off your clothes while in the presence of others, nor go out of your chamber half-dressed." What a tight-assed little priss he must have been.
Charlie: Yes sir.
Bartlet: Do you think I could have taken George Washington?

Bartlet: Why aren't they here right now?
Charlie: They didn't know that it was raining, sir.
Bartlet: Nothing like surrounding yourself with the best and the brightest, Charlie.

Bartlet: You didn't know it was raining?
Toby: To our credit, sir, we knew it was raining once it started to rain.

Charlie: The President would prefer a sandwich. He said roast beef would be fine, pastrami, sliced steak...
Mrs. Landingham: Charlie, tell the President he will eat his salad and if he doesn't like it he knows where to put his salad.
Charlie: Well I don't think I will tell the President that, Mrs. Landingham, but I appreciate your help.
Mrs. Landingham: You bet.

Josh: Hi, Senator. Why don't you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass?

Toby: Since when are you an expert on language?
C.J.: In polling models?
Toby: Okay.
C.J.: 1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?
Toby: Since long before that.

 Bartlet: He's a good man, he's a smart man, and I think he'd make a very good corporate officer.
Mitchell: Why's he being fired, sir?
Bartlet: Gross incompetence.

Bartlet: Now, I am an educated man, Charlie, but when somebody tries to explain cricket to me, all I want to do is hit them in the head with a teapot!

(After going through the halls, greeting several minor staffers)
Bartlet: Listen, have I gotten any of the names right so far?
Charlie: No sir, but you came damn close on a couple of them.

Leo: What are you doing?
Josh: You looked like you wanted to hug me.
Leo: Man did you read that wrong.

Bartlet: And when I speak I should stand facing the audience, right? You know how I know this, C.J., 'cause I've done this two to three thousand times before.

Bartlet: You're not going to spoil my good time for me.
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true.
Bartlet: Yeah.
Mrs. Landingham: You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.
Bartlet: Do you see me walking out the door?
Mrs. Landingham: No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.

Leo: "Seventeen across. Yes, seventeen across is wrong. You're spelling his name wrong. What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I'm just a ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you I've met the man twice, and I've recommended a preemptive Exocet missle attack against his airforce. So, I think I know how to..."
CJ: "Leo!"
Leo: [looks at the phone then hangs up]"They hang up on me. Every time."
CJ: "That's almost hard to believe."

SG:"As a doctor, I have an obligation to tell the truth. Come to think of it, as a person I have that obligation, as well."
Josh: "The truth is different if you're a GP or a member of the Stanford Faculty Club than if you're the country's chief medical practitioner."
SG: "Well, no, I think truth is pretty much truth across the board, never more so than if you're the country's chief medical practitioner."

Toby: "But I bring you here, and we sit, and we have coffee, and we have Danish, in the hope that calmer, and dare I say, prettier, heads prevail."
Andy:"Oh, I miss patronizing sexist Toby."
Toby: "I was referring to myself."

"Anyone wants to check my math, they're more than welcome to. Anyone wants to shove the Golden Gate Bridge up Japan's ass, they're more than welcome to do that, too." ~POTUS