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RELATED LINKS:
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Ahhhh......Relationships......The battle of the
sexes, between men and women. What a concept! This page is intended to be humorous and, perhaps, even enlightening.
It is not intended to offend - only to entertain.
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Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the most popular
time for sex is 11 p.m.(Source: ILoveBacon.com)
Other than sleeping, men and women differ on what is their favorite
thing to do in bed. Of the men polled, the top response was to have sex at 50 percent; for women, only 20 percent responded
the same. Women would prefer to read (23 percent), whereas men put books at just 11 percent.
Men reach the peak of
their sexual powers in their late teens or early twenties, and then begin to slowly decline. Women, however, do not reach
their sexual peak until their late twenties or early thirties, and then remain at this level through their late fifties or
early sixties.
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INDEX: Translation Sharing Women Think That... 5 Questions
Most Feared By Men Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew Dear Abbey Letters Best Left Unanswered
Translation
Lets face it. Men watch sports from
dawn to dusk every Sunday for a few reasons.
A) So that they don't have to go to the in-laws.
B) So
that they don't have to listen to their nagging women folk
C) So that they can fart, drink beer and get together
with the guys.
Women usually get upset over this, but they shouldn't. If they did not otherwise occupy themselves
in this way, they would be farting national anthems and drinking beer with YOU, but it would be up to you to either blow him
every Sunday or have him jerk off on the couch. Be happy women!
Whether he is an athlete, or a voyeur...he is a real
man. You do not understand his lingo any more than you understand why he can devote half his life to sports, and the other
half of his life to chasing women, so that he can have someone to leave at home cooking and leaning while he plays golf, fishes,
bowls and does other completely asinine fake sports. Well, the Mighty Mitchman would like to help you understand what he says,
and what he really means...
"Hello"
Really means...
"Let's cut the talk and go have sex."
"I'm
going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"I'm divorced.."
Really
means....
"I just slipped off my wedding ring."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really
means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making
it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't
it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really
means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have
you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless
drill."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I
have no idea how it works."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really
means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was
listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind." Really means....
"I
was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really
means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"My wife
and I are separated."
Really means....
"She's at home and I'm here at the bar."
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary
again."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates
have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really
means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad
my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the
address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I will never
remember which day to take out the garbage.
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really
means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh,
don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have
actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt, but I will probably pass out before you can say
"you're such a baby"."
"I'm sorry I flirted with your sister."
Really means....
" I'm sorry I got caught."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you
catch me at?"
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because
I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No
one will ever see us alive again."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I
like you more than my truck."
Sharing
The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they
can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young ! man came to the table. He politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for
them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished
and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered (This is great) "THE TEETH."
A big, MMM "THANK YOU!" to Laura, for sending
this little gem.
WOMEN THINK THAT.......
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not sure why.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right
for your thighs.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually
wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest
are handicapped.
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
*Question # 1: What are you thinking
about?
The proper answer to this,
of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true
answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier
she is than you are.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question
was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
*Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads
b. Would it make you feel better
if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
*Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course
not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly
thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
*Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than
me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
"Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely
thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just
thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
*Question # 5: What would you do if
I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a new corvette and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least
an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely
not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures,
and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let
her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.
Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew
1.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get
rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing wonder
bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10 Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14.
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake
it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we
said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle.
If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie
to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - Not both.
23. Christopher
Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says, "I love you," like
sex.
Dear Abby letters best left unanswered...
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged
gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen
a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
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