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How does one find that "special someone" with whom
to have a meaningful relationship? If one is a super-hero, as The Mighty MitchMan, EVERYONE is attracted to you......living
or dead, two or legs or four, eight to eighty, gay, straight or crazy. However, if one is an ordinary mortal,
it may be a bit challenging to find that "perfect mate". One way, among many, is to place a personal ad.
As a public service to my legions of fans, the MMM has included, on this page, a translation of what some of those tricky
buzz words, found in most ads, really mean.
PERSONAL ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish............... 48
Adventurer........... Has had
more partners than you ever will
Athletic............. Flat-chested
Average looking...... Ugly
Beautiful............
Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..... Bring your penicillin
Educated............. College dropout
Emotionally
Secure... Medicated
Feminist............. Fat; ball buster
Free spirit.......... Substance user
Friendship first.....
Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun.................. Annoying
Gentle............... Comatose
Good Listener........
Borderline Autistic
New-Age.............. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........ Lights out, missionary
position only
Open-minded.......... Desperate
Outgoing............. Loud
Passionate........... Loud
Poet.................
Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional......... Real Witch
Redhead.............. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque..........
Grossly Fat
Romantic............. Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous........... Very Fat
Weight proportional
to height...............Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate....... One step away from stalking
Widow................ Nagged
first husband to death
Young at heart....... Toothless crone
PERSONAL ADS - MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish............... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.............
Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking...... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated.............
Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit.......... Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first..... As long as
friendship involves nudity
Fun.................. Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking......... Arrogant
Honest............... Pathological Liar
Huggable............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......
Insecure, overly dependent
Mature............... Until you get to know him
Open-minded.......... Wants to sleep with
your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit....... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................
Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............ Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable...............
Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful........... Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Actual personal ads which appeared
in Israeli papers
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write. POB
74. Yeshiva bochur,
Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen
desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is OK. POB 64
Attractive Jewish woman, 35,+ college graduate, seeks successful
Jewish
Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with,
light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB
658
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism
of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who
will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah
candles. havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce.
Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43
80-year-old bubbie, no assets, seeks handsome, virile
Jewish male, under 35. Object: matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart
to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me, I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made.
Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53
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