Romantic Love

"My wife is the most suspicious person in the world," complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. "If I come home early, she thinks I'm after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I've already had it."

We know a fellow who upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea.

When the browbeater learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, "Does this mean that you've had enough of me?"
"No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."

When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER opinion, from your mouth.

Love: Before and After

BEFORE - You take my breath away.
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - We agree on everything.
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me.
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

What Happens When You Fall In Love With

** A chef? (You get buttered up.)

** A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)

** A gambler? (He cheats on you.)

** A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)

** A trashman? (He dumps you.)

** A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)

** A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)

** A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)

** An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)

** An artist? (He gives you the brush.)

** A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you because I was pissed