Sunday School
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they
were on theway to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Heaven
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about
being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out. "And what do you have to be to
get there?" asked the preacher.
"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.
Who Was Jesus?
THREE CHARACTERISTICS THAT SUGGEST JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was
bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities
THREE CHARACTERISTICS THAT SUGGEST JESUS WAS
BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
THREE
CHARACTERISTICS THAT SUGGEST JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until
he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God
THREE CHARACTERISTICS
THAT SUGGEST JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in
the building trades
THREE CHARACTERISTICS THAT SUGGEST JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut
his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion
THREE CHARACTERISTICS THAT SUGGEST
JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
(and
now the MOST Compelling "EVIDENCE":)
THREE CHARACTERISTICS THAT SUGGEST JESUS WAS A WOMAN
1. He had to
feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men
who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there as more work for him to do.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married
on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* Please place your donation in
the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
* The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will
be sung without musical accomplishment.
* Attend our banquet and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* The
pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
* 22 members were
present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang
a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
1. This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the
south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized in both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk come early. Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All ladies wishing
to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.
3. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson
to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.
4. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing
of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
5. A bean super will be held on Saturday evening
in the church basement. Music will follow.
6. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce
the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.
7. For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
church and community.
9. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church
help.
11) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
12) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to
make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
13) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
14) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
15) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
16) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end
of the recession.
17) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
18) Ushers will eat latecomers.
19) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without
musical accomplishment.
20) For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
21) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight
of the audience.
22) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after
which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
23) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
24) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning
service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
25) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services
will be discontinued until further notice.
26) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
27) The music for today's service was all composed by George
Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
28) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
church and community.
29) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
30) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.
Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
A NEW TAKE ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
(From How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David
M. Bader.)
It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and
into the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment - "Find water!" - is no longer in effect.)
Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked
very dehydrated when he delivered them.
The Ten Suggestions:
1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many
other Gods besides me.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion,
not a shop class.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy God in vain
without the express written consent of Adonai thy God. The name "Adonai thy God" is the sole property of Adonai thy God. Any
use of the name of Adonai thy God without the express written consent of Adonai thy God is unauthorized and illegal and shall
be punished by Adonai thy God.
4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.
5. Honor thy single parent.
6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.
8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to
car radios.)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor
when appearing before Judge Wapner.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants,
his flocks, or his power tools.
