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Rednecks
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PAGE CONTENTS: Redneck
Computer Terms You Know You're
A Redneck When Redneck Etiquette Redneck Logic Redneck
Medical Definitions Texan Talk Things you will NEVER EVER hear a redneck say
Redneck Computer Terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the
woods.
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN:
*
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
* Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
* You have jacked
up your home to look for a dog.
* Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
* There is a belch on your
answering machine greeting.
* You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
* None of the tires on your
van are the same size.
* You hold the hood of the car with your head while you work on it.
* Your town put the new
garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
* Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
* Your doghouse and your living
room have the same shag carpet.
* You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
* Starting your car involves popping
the hood.
* Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
* You whistle at women in church.
* You
actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
* You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale.
* You carry a fly swatter
in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat.
* You can entertain yourself for
more than an hour with a flyswatter.
* Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
* Your boat has not
left the driveway in 15 years.
* You burn your yard rather than mow it.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
* You have the local taxidermist on speed
dial.
* You come back from the dump with more than you took.
* You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
* You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
* Your house
doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
* Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take
the wheels off.
* You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all
say Cool Whip on the side.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You think fast food is hitting a
deer at 65mph.
* You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.
* You think a quarter horse
is that ride in front of K-Mart.
REDNECK ETIQUETTE:
Tips For All Occasions
-
Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered
tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're
certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral
home.
- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Dining Out
-
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the
wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. - Remember to leave
a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Entertaining in your
home
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow
the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
- Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance
where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the
decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
Personal Hygiene
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is
a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item
-
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the
same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
Dating (outside the
family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know
you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
-
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter
is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
- No matter how broke you are, never take
your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
- If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
- Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping.
It's bad for your reputation.
Theater Etiquette
-
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
- Crying babies should be taken
to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Weddings
-
Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
- Kissing the bride
for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven
fly deterrent.
- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Driving Etiquette
-
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.
- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in
- When sending your wife down the
road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
REDNECK JEDI:
You Might be a Redneck Jedi If.....
* You
ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light
saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe
the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time
on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookies are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the Force to get yourself
another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever
had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
* You have a Confederate
flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in
through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on
how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they
outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".
* Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other
fighter is an X-wing".
* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.
* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.
* When your
sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope.
* Your land-speeder
had a light saber rack.
* Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers"
* If you hear ... "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!"
REDNECK LOGIC:
Did you hear
about the South Carolinian redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't
touch it till she's fourteen.
-
What's the most popular pick-up line in 'bama?
Nice tooth!
-
Emily Sue passes
away and Bubba calls 911.
The 911 operator tells Bubba that she'll send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?"
asks the operator.
Bubba replies, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?
There's
a long pause, whereupon Bubba responds "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
-
How
do you know you're staying in a hotel in Kentucky?
When you call the front desk to say "I've gotta leak in my sink", the
person at the front desk says, "go ahead."
-
How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There's dried chewing
tobacco on both sides of her pickup truck.
-
In Mississippi, what do they call a rerun of "Hee Haw"?
A documentary.
-
How
many rednecks does it take eat a possum?
Two. One to eat, one to watch out for traffic.
-
An Arkansas State trooper
pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
-
What's the
best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.
-
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The
winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
-
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas,and a hurricane in Georgia
have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
-
A redneck comes home and finds his house on fire. He
rushes next door, telephones the fire department and shouts, "Hurry over here! My house is on fire!!!"
"OK," replies the
fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?"
Definitions taken from the Redneck Medical Dictionary:
Artery ..........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back
door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Benign.........................What you be, after you be eight.
Cesarean Section..... A
neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.......................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.....................Made eye contact
with her.
Colic.............................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.............................Where
Washington is.
Dilate............................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester...........................Quicker
than someone else.
Fibula............................A small lie.
Genital..........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.
Series....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent........................Distinguished,
well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Mammogram...............What your Papa send your mama
from overseas.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..........................A higher offer.
Nitrates.........................Cheaper
than day rates.
Node..............................I knew it.
Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted.
Pap
Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis............................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............A
letter carrier.
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion......................Hiding
something.
Seizure..........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.............................A small table.
Terminal
Illness.............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.............................One plus one more.
Urine...............................Opposite
of you're out.
Varicose........................Near by/close by
Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving!
Not
too smart
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party!
An unwelcome
person
Tighter than bark on a tree!
Stingy
Big hat, no cattle!
All talk, no action
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet!
We've met, but
haven't been formally introduced
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow!
He
thinks his shit doesn't stink
She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth!
She's
a talker
It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs!
Rain would
be nice
Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly!
Appearances can be deceiving
This ain't my first rodeo!
I've been around the block
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch!
U-G-L-Y
They ate supper before they said grace!
They're living
in sin
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope!
Stop arguing and do as you're told
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse!
A braggart
Top 34 things you will NEVER EVER
hear a redneck say, regardless how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered ...
34. "Ain't no shame in opening
the car door for my wife."
33. "Billie Bob, say 'excuse me' when you do that!"
32. "Oh, I just couldn't, heck, she's
only sixteen."
31. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
30. "Duct tape won't fix that."
29. "Come to think
of it, I'll have a Heineken."
28. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
27. "Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?"
26. "You can't feed that to the dog."
25. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
24. "No kids in the back of the pickup;
it's just not safe."
23. "Wrasslin's fake."
22. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
21. "We're
vegetarians."
20. "Do you think my gut is too big?"
19. "Honey, we don't need another dog."
18. "Who's Richard
Petty?"
17. "Too many deer heads detract from the decor."
16. "Spittin' is such a nasty habit."
15. "Trim the
fat off that steak."
14. "The tires on that truck are too big."
13. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
12.
"I've got it all on the C drive."
10. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
9. "Would you like your fish poached
or broiled?"
8. "My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's."
7. "I've got two cases of Zima
for the Super Bowl."
6. "Checkmate."
5. "She's too young to be wearing a bikini."
4. "Hey,
here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen."
3. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
2. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
1. "Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight."
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