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| HILLBILLY MANSION |
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RELATED LINKS:
INDEX:
Hillbilly Letter
Hillbilly Logic
Hillbilly Technology
Hillbilly Letter
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where the most accidents happened within twenty miles of home so we
moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for
their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address. Wish I would have thought of that.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it,
pulled the chain, and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the
second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with those
heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment
on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is
a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle, yet.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some of the men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for about 3 days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving,
the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They
couldn't get the tailgate down in time. Not much more news this time, nothing much happened.
Love, Mom.
P.S. I was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
Hillbilly Logic
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba
driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on
County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes
and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart
man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
Hillbilly Technology
~ LOG ON: Making
a wood stove hotter.
~ LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
~ MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
~ DOWNLOAD:
Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
~ MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
~ FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git
from tryin' ta carry too much farwood.
~ RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
~ HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home
in the winter time.
~ PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
~ WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
~ SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season.
~ BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do.
~ CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
~ MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag.
~ MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields.
~ DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's
wife.
~ LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
~ KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the keys.
~ SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks
and knifes.
~ MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
~ MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf.
~ PORT: Fancy Flatlander
wine.
~ ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all".
~ RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member whut ya paid fer
the rifle when yer wife asks.
~ MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
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