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BEWARE!!!
This page contains risque', ribald, adult humor.
If you are offended by this type of humor, please read no further, because you WILL, most assuredly, be offended by the contents
of this page.
Index:
Think Before You Speak
Various Little Adult Tidbits Camel Condom Camel Sex Blue Collar Poem The Butler Did It Mouse Balls Little Black Riding Hood
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. . . .
Here
are six reasons why you should think before you speak. Have you ever soken and wished that you could immediately take
the words back. . . or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.
FIRST
TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
" How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went
back. My husband didn't say a word; he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store, comparing
different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the womens' type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlmen who works at the store. He asked if he could help
me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens' balls".
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister
and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display
case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.".
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not shart behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very
busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, I asked him if he needed
to go, and he said, "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have
any clothes with me". Then, I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an aaccident?". "No",
he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, ecause the smell was getting worse. Sooo, I asked one
more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his
cheeks, and yelled, "See Mom, it's just farts!!!" While 30 people choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd
ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughin for 2 days, and a very embarrassed female news
anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any!?! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked, "So, Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have
to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard! Now didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone
you know who needs a hearty laugh, and remember we all say things we don't really mean; so think before you speak.
Thanks to my buddy Rob for submitting this hilarious little gem.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
And planned to
do some kissing.
Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass,
And now his front teeth are missing.
"Various Little Adult Tidbits"
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So
do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Camel Condom
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did
you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't
matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
Camel Sex
The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post
in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant
why the camel is kept there.
Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir,
sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have the camel,sir.
"The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone
this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his
own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands
on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men
do it?"
No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."
"Blue Collar Poem"
Oh husband, dear husband, I tremble with fear;
You've been on overtime
almost all year;
And since you are gone till way late at night,
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.
Oh
husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool;
Working overtime is wasting your tool;
For better it is to be poor
all your life,
Than bring a soft peter home to your wife;
I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now
every night you're nowhere to be seen;
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want
to sleep.
Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed,
Your intentions are good, but your peter is dead;
I
play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.
I have pleaded with you
dear, with tears in my eyes,
I've played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise;
So I'll find me a man who works
eight hours a day,
And while you're at work, we'll proceed to make hay.
For in this whole world there is only one
sin,
For which there's no pardon, and never has been;
And that is a man who is so foolish and mean,
That he gives
up his screwing to run a machine.
"The Butler Did It"
A Lord and Lady are off to the ball. They know that they will
not be back until late so they tell their butler that he can have the rest of the night off.
Later in the evening,
the Lady tells her husband that she is not feeling so good and wants to go home. The Lord has a number of business contacts
to talk to so the Lady goes home on her own.
When she gets home she sees the butler lying on the sofa. She goes and
sits down next to him. She whispers to him, "I want you to take my dress off."
The butler does as he's commanded.
"I want you to take my stockings off."
Again, he complies.
"I want you to take my bra off."
He
unhooks her bra.
"I want you to take my panties off......."
After this is done, the Lady exclaims,
"And
if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I will fire your ass!"
"Mouse Balls"
This apparently was a real memo sent
at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field
engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Therefore,
if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature
of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding,
determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign
balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the
pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However,
excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.
It
is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
"Little Black Riding Hood"
Little Black Riding Hood was getting ready to visit her grandmother
her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight, little black riding hood because the big bad wolf is out and you know what
he'll do: He'll lift up your little black dress, pull down your little black panties, and screw your little black ass off.
Little Black Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't
worry mother, "I've got it covered."
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs.
One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight, Little Black Riding Hood! The Big Bad
Wolf is out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little black dress, pull down your little
black panties, and screw your little black ass off.
She pull out the shotgun and said "Don't worry boys I got
it covered!"
As she continued on through the forest, she came across the Big Bad Wolf and he said "You shouldn't have
come out tonight, little Black Riding Hood because You know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift up your little black dress,
pull down your little black panties, and screw your little black ass off.
She lifts up her little black dress, pulls
down her little black panties lays down on her back with her legs apart, points the shotgun at him and says, "Nah, motha fucker!
You're going to eat me like the book says............."
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