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PAGE CONTENTS:
What Teachers REALLY Mean
School Absence Excuses
Actual Answers From Science Exams
School Test Answers
Funny Excerpts From Student Essays
What The Teacher Says and What
He or She REALLY Means
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering
needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy
and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched
in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4.
Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy
thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative
public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature
lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing
pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run
out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must
have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced
through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school
and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
[From
AndyChaps]
ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCE EXCUSES FROM PARENTS (SUPPOSEDLY)--
INCLUDING SPELLING.
*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take
P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I
had her shot.
*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan.
28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday,
he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out
of his face.
*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
*Megan could not come to school today because she has been
botheres by very close veins.
*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.
*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.
*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.
*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was
in bed with gramps.
*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT
SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
- Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of
the species.
- Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
- The theory of evolution was greatly
objected to because it made man think.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- The
process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
- The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
- To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
- Algebraical symbols are used when you do
not know what you are talking about.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
- Dew is formed
on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- A super-saturated solution is one that holds more
than it can hold.
- A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
- When you haven't
got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
- For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back
and forth.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration
until the patient is dead.
- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
SCHOOL TEST ANSWERS
These are reported to be actual test answers from
various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama, metropolitan area:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper,
mustard and vinegar.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines
down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded
by sky.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist
on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A:
Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the
brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you
are sick at the airport.
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show
you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign
is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab
wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
Funny Excerpts From Student Essays
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.
History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics
in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle
to them.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote
many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed
him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is
famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.
In
one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady
Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races,
jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was
democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that
they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.
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2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved. Go ahead and forward this, in its entirety, to others.
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