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Off The Wall
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I believe reader will enjoy this page. It could easily fit under
the banner of "Humor", but the posts are just a little bit more off center, so I feel they deserve their own page. I
hope ya enjoy these offerings.
Page Contents:
Travel Agents' True Stories
How Not to Commit a Bank Robbery
Expert Opinions
Funny Letters Sent to Landlords
Interesting, Actual Tombstones
The 1950s
Dilbert-like Quotes from Corportat America
Notes for the Milkman (from the UK)
Travel Agents' True Stories
From a former Washington, D.C. travel agent of over 30 years:
*
A New Hampshire Congresswoman called to ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
* A Candidate's Staffer called, wanting to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in assachusetts. Capetown is in Africa."
Her response? Click.
* A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin
state!"
* A Lawmaker's wife asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they
look so close on the map."
* A Bush cabinet member's aide called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When
I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a
car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we want the car so we can drive between gates to save time."
*
An Illinois Congresswoman wanted to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time
zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast. She bought it!
* A New York lawmaker asked, "Do airlines put
your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied,
"Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said "FAT." I'm overweight and I think that's
very rude!" After putting her on hold so I could "look into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back to her and explained
the city code for Fresno, CA is "FAT," and that the label was only a destination tag.
* A Senator's aide inquired
about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and
then take the train to
Hawaii?"
* A freshman Congressman called from the airport to ask, "How do I know which
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly did he mean. He replied, "You told me my flight
number is 823, but none of
these darn planes have numbers on them."
* A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked her if she meant "fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane"?
She said, "Yeah, whatever!"
* A senior Senator had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times
and never had one." I double-checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've
been to China four times. Every time they've accepted my American Express!"
* A New Mexico Congresswoman called to
make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent:
"Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" she replied. After some searching, the agent
came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The
lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent pulled out a map of New York state
and finally asked, "You don't mean 'Buffalo,' do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
* I had someone who
wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very
irate and insisted, "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
[www.getamused.com]
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved. Go ahead and
forward this, in its entirety, to others.
How Not to Commit a Bank Robbery
Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of
a number of would-be bank robbers.
Pick The Right
Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that
was no longer in business and had no money.
Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First
National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill
two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with
their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak
To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the
next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand
notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing
the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the
robber's signature and account number.
Don't
Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse
with no bra while holding up banks.
Go
Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass
door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military
police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire,
Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush
hour traffic until police arrived.
Consider
Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff
his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money,
fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
Copyright 2006 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved. Go ahead and
forward this, in its entirety, to others.
Expert Opinions
Being an expert means never having to admit you're wrong. Here are some
memorable examples of "expert opinion," quoted in a book called The Experts Speak, by Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky.
Even "experts" can be wrong.
On health:
"If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung
cancer, it seems to be a minor one." --The National Cancer Institute, 1954
"How do we know? Fallout may be good for
us." --Edward Teller, 1950
On film:
"The cinema is little more than a fad. It's canned drama.
I'm going to get out of this business. It's too much for me. It'll never catch on." --Charlie Chaplin, 1914
"Gone
with the Wind is going to be the biggest flop in the history of Hollywood. I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling
flat on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper, 1938
"You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married."
--Emmeline Snively (modeling agent) to Marilyn Monroe, 1944
On technology:
"Rail travel at high speed is not possible, because passengers, unable to breathe,
would die of asphyxiation." --Dr. Dionysus Lardener, 1845
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --William
Thomson, President of the Royal Society, 1890
On
computers:
"I think there is a world market for about five computers." --Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment
Corporation, 1977
On politics:
"If Richard Nixon is impeached, there will be mass suicides, mass
nervous breakdowns, and total demoralization of the country." --Helen Buffington, Committee to Re-Elect the President, 1974
Funny Letters Sent to Landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is clear.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet
seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I
request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will
you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen
floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please
send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
Could you please send someone
to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
When the workmen were here
they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep
my wife happy.
Interesting, Actual Tombstones
* Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942. Looked up
the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
* In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an
Atheist - All dressed up And no place to go.
* On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.
* In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived
an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767.
* In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The children of
Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
*
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast.. Pardon me For not rising.
* In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania,
cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
* In a Silver City, Nevada,
cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.
* A lawyer's epitaph
in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
* John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
* In a cemetery
in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
* Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg
Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the
skin of the thing that made her go.
* On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under
the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God.
*
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went.
[Thanks
to Beverly for a great web site!]
The 1950s
Oh, how times have changed!
1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way
they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out
next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going
to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just
to mail a letter?"
5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible
to run a family business or farm."
6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help
at the store."
7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 40 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make
it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
9) "Also,
their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."
10) "Pretty soon you won't
be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
11) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
12) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't
surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
13) "Do you suppose television will ever reach
our part of the country?"
14) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They
are even making electric typewriters now."
15) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where some married
women are having to work to make ends meet."
16) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
17) "I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me,
they won't be able to sit down for a week."
18) "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks
to their service?"
19) "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us to not grow crops."
20).
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to congress."
21). "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't
she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."
22) "There is no sense going
to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
23) "Anymore no one can
afford to be sick; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
24) "If a few idiots want to risk their necks
flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
25) "I don't know about you but if they
raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
26). "If they think I'll pay 50 cents
for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."
27) "We won't be going out much anymore. Our sitter
informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
28) "Cars that dim their lights by sensors,
automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."
Dilbert-like Quotes from Corporate America
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:
"As
of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft
Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines
Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting
manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere
with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D
supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what
I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then
asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We
know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor,
AT&T Long Lines Division)
NOTES FOR THE MILKMAN (from the UK)
*
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
* "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."
* "Cancel one pint after the day after today."
* "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it."
* "Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
* "Milkman.
please could I have a loaf but not bread today."
* "Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two
sons on the dole."
* "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby
and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
* "Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and
a dozen pints, but the other way round."
* "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because
I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
* "Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights
Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."
* "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you
do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
* "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a
baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."
* "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is
unable to supply it."
* "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except
Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
* "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money
out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight."
* "Please
leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."
* "When you leave the milk
please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
*
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
[Courtesy of AndyChaps]
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