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One can find lots of humor, even in science and medicine.
I hope visitors to this page will get a chuckle, or maybe even a good old-fashioned, rip-roaring belly laugh from material
on this page.
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PAGE CONTENTS:
Doctor's Reports
Actual Medical Charts
Doctor's Diagnosis
Language of Science and Medicine
Science Sillies From 5th and 6th Graders
Doctors' Reports
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side
for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. The
patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
6. Healthy appearing
decrepit 99 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused an autopsy.
8. The patient
has no past history of suicides.
9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patient's
past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
11.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in
the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant,
infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your
patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
20. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However,
he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
21. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
22. Patient was seen in consultation
by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' station saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are
the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too...."
Actual Medical Charts
The following are actual medical records taken from patients' charts
around North America.
* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed
to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until 1989 when she got a divorce.
* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
* The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet
turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the
way to Los Angeles.
*
She is numb from her toes down.
* While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and
sent home.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took
a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with
his family in no distress.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
* Male patient insists that his HIV was inherited, and not from
sexual activity.
"The patient complains of a dry cough that hurts when he coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4 days."
"While
in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home."
"Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia for lunch."
"The
patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"Patient
has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"The
patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."
"Patient has left his white blood
cells at another hospital.
"The other foot has the missing toe."
Doctor’s Diagnosis
"No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried
caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick."
A week later, the doctor
telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct.
"How's your uncle today?" he asked. "Worse," came the reply. "Now
he thinks he's dead."
Language of Science and Medicine
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand
the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation
or academic paper. "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't
make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime,
if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated
when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING
OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS
FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected
by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER 1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.
SCIENCE SILLIES FROM 5TH & 6TH GRADERS
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and
you sit on the bottom.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never
have been able to make out the numbers.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting.
When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be
called a drop, it does.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because
so many people are stomping around there these days.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top
on.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If
you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
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